The one I love calls to me: [ The Bridegroom-King ] Arise, my dearest. Hurry, my darling. Come away with me! I have come as you have asked to draw you to my heart and lead you out. For now is the time, my beautiful one. Song of Song 2:10
I never understood the book of Song of Songs. I knew it was a book of love, but a love I was very unfamiliar with. This passionate and consuming book of poetic imagery was completely foreign to me. The idea of love was intriguing to my heart and my soul deeply longed for it. It was allowing my heart to open up fully to His compassionate love for me that would help me to see myself as His bride.
My childhood was filled with a love that needed to be earned and evaluated daily. My parent’s marriage was a broken and patched up relationship hanging on by a thread. As a young child, I witnessed an abusive dysfunctional love that grew and developed my ideas of what marriage was going to be like. The manipulation and fear tactics used on all of us formed distrust and fear of abandonment at a very early age. The scornful and condemning words that were used tore down any self-worth or value. Love became just a word that was used to say you can stay as long as you are doing what you are supposed to do.
My teenage years brought added fears of deep trusting love as something that would probably never be my portion. My first real relationship started out full of excitement but turned dark quickly as the repeated pattern of abuse began to show it’s ugly head. The manipulation and disparaging words flowed back into my life as the relationship grew. I saw myself as nothing worthy of being admired or adored like in the romantic movies I so loved to watch. Again I needed to earn that so-called love that he was throwing out to me like scraps to a dog. I endured one failed relationship after the next. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong. I guess I never saw my value or never thought I actually was valuable. I was more like the women at the well then the Shulamite bride that is spoken about in the book of Songs.
I knew that real love existed and I saw couples who were in beautiful healthy loving relationships. I was determined to have that and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. The search for the one great love was on and I was ready to find it. Watching couples and seeing healthy interactions was beginning to change my previous views of marriage. The more I saw the real expression of love made the pursuit even more exciting. My aunt told me that when I was ready to stop dating and truly settle down that I should ask God to send me a husband. I was 25 when I said that prayer. I asked God for the perfect partner to go through life with and I asked The Lord to make it very clear when he came into my life! I need a sign with bells and whistles so I don’t miss it.
I remember the day that prayer was answered and there was no doubt in my mind when I met my husband. He was my best friend at the time and never thought he could be the one. It was the moment we kissed that I knew this was a forever kiss. We both knew that this it and we married 3 years later. Each year that passed still together was breaking the lies that I held about marriage. The problem was I was a married women on the outside, but on the inside, there was still a broken little girl who never felt loved. I wanted my husband to fix and heal all that was broken in me. After all, I called him my Prince Charming who rescued this Cinderella from a life of unworthiness. As much as he loved me the truth was he couldn’t fix my wounded heart. It took The Prince Of Peace and King Of Kings to pick me up and carry me to the marriage bed of His bride.
It was at 43 that my heart began to truly beat in sync with the rhythm of pure love. I started to realize that I couldn’t continue in this place of feeling like I wasn’t good enough any longer. Jesus began to pursue and woo me with His perfect love that could put back together this broken vessel. He would speak to me through the music, the books, the pastors and teachers that I was suddenly drawn to. I began to have powerful dreams where I knew that I was encountering the Lover of my soul. Each encounter was pulling off the lies and wounds that wouldn’t allow me to fully let God into those chained up parts of my heart.
God was done with my lip service and was going to take me into the secret place for a deeper more intimate relationship. He needed to show me that intimacy with Him was nothing like intimacy with a man and I could come to Jesus fully as I am and I wouldn’t be rejected. The Lord began building a relationship built on trust and showing me who I was. How I was disillusioned and confused about what love consists of. The lessons were freeing and I could slowly let my guard down allowing Him full access. It was then that people were telling me I needed to read Song of Songs. I read it, in fact, I read it many times and I didn’t get it. It was uncomfortable and made me uneasy to read it.
I wasn’t prepared for the day that God was going to pull back the curtain that revealed the marriage bed. It was going to be through the book of Songs of Songs that would leave me breathless and enraptured by His great love for me. I was in prayer when I had a vision of my going to my bedroom. At first, I shrugged it off as just a fleeting thought, but then I saw it again. I knew I was being called to come and meet Him for an encounter. I went to my room with my bible in hand and prepared for some deeper revelations from the throne. I got into the bed and opened the bible to some random page. I asked The Lord what shall I read and then I heard these words, “Desire Me”. It was that still small voice that I knew and loved that spoke words that brought panic to my mind. I heard the same impression again “Desire Me”, my heart began to race as if I was sprinting to my lover. Fear and trepidation filled my every thought as I knew this was going to be a very personal encounter. I could feel my pulse quicken as my spirit was being awakened to receive My King. In that instance, I heard, “Now read Songs of Songs”. I immediately turned to the chapter one and read, [ The Shulamite ] Let him smother me with kisses—his Spirit-kiss divine. So kind are your caresses, I drink them in like the sweetest wine! It was done. The shame, unworthiness, fear, abandonment all began to fall to the ground as I read each verse. For the first time, I started to see my value and worth in the pages written thousands of years ago. I wept as each chapter God was revealing the great love He always had for me.
When I finally finished I was undone. I couldn’t move or utter a sound. I had been brought to His bed and I didn’t ever want to leave. Jesus gave me a vision of myself in the bed wrapped up in his arms. He was holding my head with his one arm and He had his other arm wrapped around me. I was feeling uncomfortable with seeing myself in such an intimate place. I went to Song of Songs 2:6 and was blown away at what I read, “His left hand[i] cradles my head while his right-hand holds me close.[j]I am at rest in this love. God was revealing that not only did I see correctly, but He confirmed it in His word. Jesus wanted me to know that not only was I his Shulamite woman, but I had become His bride. It was a gentle reminder that His bride belonged in the marriage bed.